Researching love can illuminate ongoing obstacles to fathers’ involvement

Dr. Alexandra Macht recently completed her PhD in Sociology at the University of Edinburgh where she was supported by the Centre for Research for Families and Relationships. In this post, Alexandra reports on some of the findings of her research into fatherhood and love.

 
There is very little research on the subject of the love shared between parents and children, and the contemporary father’s role in relation to masculinity. My research looked at a specific group of fathers, who are present (‘involved’) in the lives of their children, and their experiences of love. I considered involved fathers as embedded within and dependent upon an intimate network of relationships: to their children, their partner and their own parents. In my interviews with 47 fathers from Scotland and Romania from working-class and middle-class backgrounds, I explored the fathers’ love for their children:  How do they describe it? How does it compare to other kinds of love? How do they show it? What do fathers think love looks like in their countries?

I found that involved fathers understand love as a verb (it is something they do) in which both love and power are intermingled. The majority of fathers, had a hierarchical understanding of love in which the child was granted a distinct focus; some even distinguished between unconditional love for their children and the - at times - conditional love for their partner. Culturally, the fathers described love and said they expressed it in similar ways, with some minor differences: Scottish fathers thought love made their children warmer to others, while Romanian fathers thought it gave their children confidence to do things.

In order to maintain loving relationships with their children, involved fathers also had to work at communicating their love through speech and through their physical activities, as having ‘quality time’ was sparse and required planning. Financial and material resources were important in how men showed love and this is one reason why class differences continued to matter. Across both cultures, the importance of ‘providing’ persisted but it was deeply influenced by how society portrays the role of fathers. The image of the new father who is very loving is also something that is sold to men through advertising, in the process of spreading certain values globally from the Western part of Europe to the Eastern part.

Men as fathers build their identities on a mixture of beliefs about how they should be as men and as fathers, and sometimes there is tension between these roles. Shifting between the two roles is an emotional process I have called ‘emotional bordering’ - developed from Barrie Thorne’s concept of gender borders (1993), in which fathers adapt their communication and behaviour according to social circumstances and to how others respond to them. This new term helps explain a process of give-and-take which builds a man’s identity in close relationships. For involved fathers love appeared from spending time daily with their children, which can have further implications for family policies. By reducing involved fathers’ time with their children to merely two weeks of paternity leave, as it stands at the moment in the UK, the time to build a close, meaningful and loving relationship is also diminished. Flexible and state-supported provisions that increase the length of the parenting leave, could contribute to the emotional wellbeing and relational stability of fathers, their children and their partners.

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We will publish a research briefing based on Dr Alexandra Macht’s PhD research later this year. To keep up-to-date with news of CRFR’s publications and events follow us on Twitter, Facebook or by joining our mailing list.

Dr. Alexandra Macht is an early career researcher and newly appointed Lecturer in Sociology at Oxford Brookes University. Her sociological interests are emotions, intimacy, gender (particularly men and masculinities), culture and globalization. She holds a BA in Psychology from University of Bucharest, an MSc with Distinction in Child and Adolescent Mental Health and a PhD in Sociology from The University of Edinburgh. She has previously worked at the Centre for Research on Families and Relationships in Edinburgh, and is currently assistant editor for the International Review of Leave Policies and Research. The research detailed above has been generously funded by a grant provided from the prestigious UK Economic and Social Research Council. Alexandra uses the Twitter handle (@Alexandra_Macht)

Father and child image: ©iStock.com/FatCamera

Food for thought for Father's Day

Esther Dermott (University of Bristol) and Tina Miller (Oxford Brookes University) are the guest editors of a forthcoming special issue on contemporary fatherhood for Families, Relationships and Societies. A number of the articles from the issue have been made free in the lead up to Father’s Day in the UK.

From personalised beer to racing driver experiences – a full range of gender stereotypical presents are available branded as perfect for Father’s Day. So, it might be tempting to see the growth of Father’s Day in the UK (June 21st this year) as little more than another marketing opportunity; one that doesn’t say much about everyday fathering and certainly doesn’t give the impression that we have radically changed our ideas about fathers.

“men who are doing things differently have a higher profile”

Looking back over the last 40 years of research on fatherhood, there is evidence that things are different now. We can point out generational shifts in how men ‘do’ fatherhood; dads have substantially increased the amount of time they spend with their children and almost all now attend births and take time off work when a baby is born. It is also the case that men who are doing things differently have a higher profile, witness for example of blogs of stay-at-home dads and single fathers. And these changes are reflected (to some extent) in policy as well. In April 2015, shared parental leave was introduced in the UK, signalling the possibility of greater father involvement in the immediate post-birth period. It also ensured that fathers have the right to time off work to attend antenatal appointments.

 “We have not reached a state of gender neutral parenting”

Still, there is a sense that these might only be baby steps (pun intended) towards a reconfiguration of the father role. We have not reached a state of gender neutral parenting since expectations of mothers and fathers are very different; breadwinning and financial responsibility still loom large for men, and the gendered division of paid and unpaid work remains. And looking towards Scandinavia can give the impression that the UK has a long way to travel even to catch up with some near neighbours. Perhaps it is the case that we continue to talk about ‘new fathers’ more than seeing them.
Even so, small changes can be more than the sum of their parts. Having a greater range of fathering practices deemed socially acceptable is important because it means ‘caring masculinities’ can co-exist alongside more traditional models. That greater level of diversity should, in turn, mean greater awareness of different fatherhood options among more men. In other words, if we adopt a ‘fatherhood lens’ then incremental change can be seen as genuinely transformative. And, for researchers, examining what is going on ‘at the margins’ can give us insights into alternative ways to think about care and work.

Of course none of this may help with the Father’s Day purchasing dilemma; all I can offer for that is a nice bunch of flowers or perhaps these:
Personalised beer
Stay-at-home dad blog
Swedish dads photography project
Edible eyes

The special issue of Families, Relationships and Societies on Contemporary Fatherhood (available free in the week leading up to Father’s Day) brings together authors reflecting and discussing contemporary fatherhood and fathering in the UK, France, Italy, Sweden and Denmark. This week also marks the launch of the ‘State of the World’s Fathers‘ report, launching on Thursday at the House of Commons (free to attend – tickets here).

Supporting Dads in the context of gender inequality

Sarah Morton, CRFR Co-Director, and Gil Viry, CRFR Associate Researcher and Chancellor's Fellow in Sociology at University of Edinburgh

There is a lot of recent interest in supporting dads. However, this focus on just one gender of parents poses some interesting questions and challenges in the context of ongoing gender inequality.

Dads often feel that general parenting services, like parent and toddlers, or parenting classes are not aimed at them and may feel excluded from these services. But young mums, older mums, women from ethnic minorities, same-sex mothers or women with disabilities might also feel that services are not ‘for them’. This is not only about gender.

Dads are getting more involved in family responsibilities than in the past – that’s a great step forward, but it’s not yet a revolution (see Giddeon Burrows blog). In most households (though not all), women continue to do the vast majority of childcare and housework. In particular, women fit their employment around the perceived needs of their husband and children more often than do men. This is one main reason why women account for 75% of part-time workers in Scotland.[i]

Because of this, it is likely that early years services, like parent and toddler groups will have more women than men using them. Services focus on those who need them, and the vast majority of those caring for young children on a day to day basis are women. Of course services should, where appropriate, make particular efforts to include all kinds of parents.

Whilst men are getting more involved with kids at home, they tend to focus on the fun things, and less on the hard work of caring, feeding, cleaning, doing the washing and ensuring children eat healthily and get enough sleep[ii].

Men face discrimination at work when asking for parental leave because we perpetuate the ‘father as breadwinner’ model. We need to tackle this, but not in isolation. Women still struggle to get their basic rights at work when pregnant, including not getting sacked, and face a barrage of assumptions and obstacles in their role as parents. Employed women are overrepresented among clerical workers, personal service workers (including care) and sales staff. This perpetuates gender stereotypes that caring and serving others (also within the home) are female tasks. All these issues are interrelated so that that they need to be addressed together.

Good parenting matters, but also good co-parenting – that is how parents coordinate and cooperate in their parenting roles – that benefits children’s wellbeing. Mutual support and good communication between both parents is likely to create a supportive environment within the whole family. High-quality co-parenting is also fundamental in the event of a separation or divorce. Fathers who were significantly committed to their co-parenting role before the separation are more likely to stay actively engaged in their children’s lives after the separation. In this situation, mothers are also more likely to trust and promote fathers having frequent contact with their children.

In most families, it is desirable that fathers are involved with their families and children, but it is also important to acknowledge that a number of fathers are destructive, abusive and violent forces in family life. In these situations, fathers often do more harm than good for children’s wellbeing.

What does the evidence say?

Evidence shows children need at least one loving and attentive parent. Having two parents helps to share this difficult and time-consuming task, but there is no clear evidence that the gender of either of these matters to children's outcomes[iii].

However the broader evidence on parenting is unclear about gender. Most research on parents focuses on mothers by default rather than intention as mothers as the main carers are usually more available to researchers to provide details of family life[iv] When research does look at fathers there is often no comparable data on mothers, so it is hard to identify a 'father' effect.

For separated families we know that good relationships both between parents and between fathers and children (in particular high support, responsive fathering and non-coercive control) are fundamental to children's wellbeing[v]. Some children regret not being in touch with absent fathers, other children feel coerced into continuing contact with fathers who are causing them distress (see Morrison, 2009).

In any case, tackling gender inequality within the home and at the workplace requires actions and changes from both genders.

Initiatives for just one gender of parent

What are we trying to achieve in developing and funding work aimed specifically at dads or mums? Do we want to get men more involved with their children? Or are we interested in getting men to play a full role in family life and share half of the homecare tasks enabling women to achieve greater equality in public life? Or is the aim that any parent should feel supported and enabled in their role regardless of gender?

If we are offering services to solely dads or mums, we need to be careful that they do not reinforce gender stereotypes and perpetuate gender inequalities. The following questions may act as a guide:

• Why are we offering services to a specific gender, rather than parents? Are there specific barriers we seek to overcome? For example, antenatal services must focus on women, or support for absent parents should be thinking mainly about dads.
• What is the aim of the gender specific service? Is it addressing inequalities issues or perpetuating them? For example, do services for mums emphasise attachment, whilst those for dads emphasise having fun with their kids? To tackle inequalities do services for men need to emphasise their role within the home, whilst those for women help them find employment?
• Are services for dads ensuring that they are not aiding coercive and violent fathers to continue to control their partners post separation, or enabling contact that children do not want?
• Are all parenting services building on the evidence that strong relationships between parents is a key factor in children's outcomes, rather than focusing separately on mums or dads relationships with their children?
• When we deliver gender-specific services for parents, do we avoid gender stereotyping? Are gender specific groups and organisations careful about the language they use to talk about men and women to avoid reaffirming gender-based assumptions (like men are not skilful at childcare, or women are naturally more caring?)
• Are we careful when talking about gender-specific parenting not to offend and upset children who have different family structures due to bereavement, separation, adoption, assisted conception or lone parenthood or same sex parenting?

If we want to move to a world where mothers and fathers are enabled to do the best for their children and families, gender-specific services need address inequalities. In imagining a Scotland that is the best place in the world to grow up, shouldn't any parent get the support they need to fulfil their role to the best of their ability regardless of gender, age, ethnicity or social background?

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[i] http://www.closethegap.org.uk/content/gap-statistics/
[ii] Growing Up in Scotland 2008 Chapter 7 'Parenting Styles and Parenting Responsibilities' in: http://www.scotland.gov.uk/Resource/Doc/212225/0056476.pdf
[iii] Bromley (2009) Growing up in Scotland: the impact of children’s early activities on cognitive development. Edinburgh Scottish Government
[iv] http://aboutfamilies.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/aboutfamilies_gaps-in-research-all-topics.pdf
[v] Mooney, A Oliver C and Smith M (2009) Impact of Family Breakdown on Children’s Well-being. London DCSF

Facing the facts about fathers and childcare

Gideon Burrows, author of Men Can Do It! The real reason dads don't do childcare, on the importance of facts, not wishful thinking

When it comes to parenting there are our own truths and there are indisputable facts.

Bed time routines, weaning techniques, re-useable or disposable nappies, whether to allow sweets or not; these are our own truths, developed out of the hard slog of simply bringing up children.

The fundamental mistake most of us make is assume our own truth should be applied as a general way to go about things: I do a strict bedtime routine with my kids, lots of my friends do too, therefore it's the correct way to go about things.

It was this attitude I encountered when my book on shared parenting was published. It concludes that men don't do anywhere near the amount of childcare – either in or out of working hours – that we've previously assumed.

I received a number of emails and social media messages from parents who said what I'd written was wrong. They'd shared parenting equally, some of their friends did too, so I must be making it all up to get a reaction.

Of course some families share parenting equally and those parents are likely to have friends who do things a bit like them.

What they were doing was applying their personal experience, and assuming it was generally true across all parenting. The sad, but real immutable truth is that parenting isn't anywhere near equal in the UK.

According to dispassionate numbers from the Office for National Statistics, the number of men becoming full-time stay-at-home dads has only increased by 6,000 men over the last ten years, compared with 44,000 fewer stay at home mums.

The number of men switching to part-time work has increased by a minuscule three percentage points, and is matched by only a similar increase in women going part time. The proportion of women working full time hasn't changed at all in a whole decade.

Outside of working hours, the same pattern emerges. Far from men taking up the cudgels of childcare in great numbers, women still do twice as many hours of childcare and related chores outside of working hours as men do. That has barely changed in a decade too.

These are facts, not personal truths.

It is these well researched immutable truths that should inform personal, political and academic practices on parenting, and particularly policy making, not a few parents' personal experiences posted as comments on newspaper websites.

Even the director of a fatherhood think-tank wrote to challenge my claim that women are paid more than men, before children are born: “I seriously doubt that's true”.

It made me sad to send her the spreadsheet from the National Office for Statistics that shows, very clearly, exactly that. Surely, they at least should have their facts straight?

Unfortunately, we're not even close to allowing immutable truth to influence policy.

UK government policy on parental leave, for example, has been set according to a generalised assumption that men want to take more time off, and work more flexibly, to be with their children.

Yet the simple, statistic-backed facts support the opposite conclusion: men aren't yet using even close to the wiggle room they already have.

Only 1,600 men have taken the legal right they've had for over two years to share of 26 week's parental leave with their partner. Over that same period, around 1.5 million babies have been born. One in three dads don't even take their full traditional legal entitlement to two weeks' paternity leave.

So why is the government creating more of what parents are showing by their practice they don't want, even if they say they do?

The answer is that what I call the 'new fatherhood myth' makes a good story. It gets the media excited and it makes us all feel good about how equal we are.

It prevents us facing up to the more unpalatable truth that progress towards parental equality is still painfully slow, and certainly nowhere near as far along as we'd thought.

All of which prevents personal and political action that – as my book illustrates, and the facts and research have clearly shown - would really create better outcomes for our children, for parents and for the workplace.

Gideon Burrows is author of Men Can Do It! The real reason dads don't do childcare (ngo.media, 2013). Visit www.mencandoit.co.uk to buy in paperback, or on Kindle.